I don't think any of us is really capable of showing empathy to another. Empathy involves an ability to suspend judgement and not talk too much. How many can do that?
Recently, a friend of mine lost her daughter. The women who came to console her, offered reasons why the tragedy befell her. Of late, she's been completely unresponsive to our overtures and is often curt. The same women now discuss her rudeness, easily forgetting all that she's suffering. Their hurt at her curtness has become greater than her loss. Ha!
A long time ago, I'd written this and today i hold it closer than ever. We qualify and quantify grief and loss and pain. We are eager to tell others how wrong they are, how weak they are, how hopeless they are. What we forget is that the person we're alleging all this to, is all too painfully aware of his/her own frailties and is struggling to change. Make no mistake: everybody wants to move on.
AB is an alcoholic - he's been in and out of rehab, has severe health issues, and is today, slowly trying to fight his addiction. He has met someone who has obviously injected the desire in him to take this monumental step. I see many in our group pass snide remarks and recently we nearly came to fist fights. I have no idea if AB will overcome his addiction, but i do understand the circumstances that broke him and my feelings for him don't change irrespective of his overcoming the addiction or not. i hear people moaning and comparing their individual tragedies and how they triumphed ! Today, it suits them to forget their flaws and fallibility; they are afraid of introspection because who knows what the man in the mirror will reveal; they are above any reproach.
I can't comprehend this structure of grief-hierarchy.Sure, I wish AB well, but i am also aware that something in his internal wiring has gone awry and may never be right again. It's ok: I don't think he needs me or you or your dog to point that out.
Perhaps, grief is not meant to be shared. You process it, let it burn and die its own death, but don't expect others to comprehend it. They won't.
Recently, a friend of mine lost her daughter. The women who came to console her, offered reasons why the tragedy befell her. Of late, she's been completely unresponsive to our overtures and is often curt. The same women now discuss her rudeness, easily forgetting all that she's suffering. Their hurt at her curtness has become greater than her loss. Ha!
A long time ago, I'd written this and today i hold it closer than ever. We qualify and quantify grief and loss and pain. We are eager to tell others how wrong they are, how weak they are, how hopeless they are. What we forget is that the person we're alleging all this to, is all too painfully aware of his/her own frailties and is struggling to change. Make no mistake: everybody wants to move on.
AB is an alcoholic - he's been in and out of rehab, has severe health issues, and is today, slowly trying to fight his addiction. He has met someone who has obviously injected the desire in him to take this monumental step. I see many in our group pass snide remarks and recently we nearly came to fist fights. I have no idea if AB will overcome his addiction, but i do understand the circumstances that broke him and my feelings for him don't change irrespective of his overcoming the addiction or not. i hear people moaning and comparing their individual tragedies and how they triumphed ! Today, it suits them to forget their flaws and fallibility; they are afraid of introspection because who knows what the man in the mirror will reveal; they are above any reproach.
I can't comprehend this structure of grief-hierarchy.Sure, I wish AB well, but i am also aware that something in his internal wiring has gone awry and may never be right again. It's ok: I don't think he needs me or you or your dog to point that out.
Perhaps, grief is not meant to be shared. You process it, let it burn and die its own death, but don't expect others to comprehend it. They won't.
4 What U Said:
there's so much apathy all around us , i guess one selectively empathizes.
Empathy is ok, but one has to maintain a distance between others and their lives. The same distance that separates a film from real life. Without that, one will simply lose his way.
There is another side - of the fear and embarrassment. When I don't know persons too well, and come to know about the tragedies in their lives, most of the time I am struck dumb, unable to say anything and just looking at them and wishing to disappear. They must think that I am completely heartless! :(
No one is heartless. But after a point, empathy gives way to irritation. Trust me on this one. :)
mh
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