I realise this blog is getting too dark; as I read my writing, I see it’s stopped breathing; the spark has vanished. The last time it took 6 years to reappear; I have no idea how long it’ll be this time.
My boundaries of self and other are extremely hazy. The fact is, I am fine and have suffered no great misfortune. But many of those who I care about deeply are not, and I haven’t been able to do a single thing to assist them.
My boss in Europe paid me a compliment after our first long meeting – rainmaker. Yeah, that was KV’s epithet to me when we were discussing a long, arduous project where I was wary of stepping in. He assured me, “You are the rainmaker; you and Lara will get this done, I know.” I was pleased; I felt cherished.
This tag of rainmaker is something that’s part of my psyche – it has got nothing to do with me being especially talented or smart. I somehow always manage to get things done and my family and colleagues know it. Getting the faulty electricity line fixed, taking care of the household chores, meeting demanding deadlines, teaching D, dragging my parents for their check-ups, helping my girl friends when they want me around, overcoming my fears abt losing people, I juggle and struggle with these daily. That is my life and I have always felt, I could make a difference and make life smoother for those around me. Occasionally I felt tired, but satisfaction never eluded me. It’s not so anymore.
When I talked to H after ages, I sensed the weariness in him and I know there’s nothing I can do to help him; R lies bedridden at 32 and her hubby, my cousin is jobless; I couldn’t do anything for them either. My aunt lies injured; not a day goes by when I don’t think of HP, but when I message her, she refuses to meet me. Her mother calls me up to talk about her but I haven’t been able to get past HP’s grief. My latest assignment is to prepare a communications package on ‘change management’. We are sacking close to 200 staff in our head office and I have to build ‘clear, compelling and compassionate messaging’ for my colleagues. I haven’t even written a rough draft yet and I don’t know how to begin. The truth is difficult and unprintable, yet we all know it. My draf can only be insincere and unauthentic.
I had managed to leash my horrible temper considerably, but in the last year I have seen it rear its ugly head. This stems from fear and a feeling of abject helplessness. I hate helplessness. Life is about active effort; efforts reap results –I believed in that. But all around me, I’m witnessing people whose efforts are not paying off; who are being punished for no ostensible reason. I feel anger and resentment at this. I know I’m not the only one and probably everyone needs to find ways to calm their mind. I will do it too. Eventually.
Our deepest hurts flow from people as do our greatest joys. I cannot end this post without talking abt AS who really surprised and moved me immensely. I had written about AS and P here earlier. Let’s just say, his recent behavior has caused a lot of pain to P and I was mad as hell. When P lost her mom last week, he did something that surprised all of us. His thoughtfulness has filled my heart; apart from my daughter, I don’t think I can think of a single thing that has brought me so much joy in recent months.
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My boundaries of self and other are extremely hazy. The fact is, I am fine and have suffered no great misfortune. But many of those who I care about deeply are not, and I haven’t been able to do a single thing to assist them.
My boss in Europe paid me a compliment after our first long meeting – rainmaker. Yeah, that was KV’s epithet to me when we were discussing a long, arduous project where I was wary of stepping in. He assured me, “You are the rainmaker; you and Lara will get this done, I know.” I was pleased; I felt cherished.
This tag of rainmaker is something that’s part of my psyche – it has got nothing to do with me being especially talented or smart. I somehow always manage to get things done and my family and colleagues know it. Getting the faulty electricity line fixed, taking care of the household chores, meeting demanding deadlines, teaching D, dragging my parents for their check-ups, helping my girl friends when they want me around, overcoming my fears abt losing people, I juggle and struggle with these daily. That is my life and I have always felt, I could make a difference and make life smoother for those around me. Occasionally I felt tired, but satisfaction never eluded me. It’s not so anymore.
When I talked to H after ages, I sensed the weariness in him and I know there’s nothing I can do to help him; R lies bedridden at 32 and her hubby, my cousin is jobless; I couldn’t do anything for them either. My aunt lies injured; not a day goes by when I don’t think of HP, but when I message her, she refuses to meet me. Her mother calls me up to talk about her but I haven’t been able to get past HP’s grief. My latest assignment is to prepare a communications package on ‘change management’. We are sacking close to 200 staff in our head office and I have to build ‘clear, compelling and compassionate messaging’ for my colleagues. I haven’t even written a rough draft yet and I don’t know how to begin. The truth is difficult and unprintable, yet we all know it. My draf can only be insincere and unauthentic.
I had managed to leash my horrible temper considerably, but in the last year I have seen it rear its ugly head. This stems from fear and a feeling of abject helplessness. I hate helplessness. Life is about active effort; efforts reap results –I believed in that. But all around me, I’m witnessing people whose efforts are not paying off; who are being punished for no ostensible reason. I feel anger and resentment at this. I know I’m not the only one and probably everyone needs to find ways to calm their mind. I will do it too. Eventually.
Our deepest hurts flow from people as do our greatest joys. I cannot end this post without talking abt AS who really surprised and moved me immensely. I had written about AS and P here earlier. Let’s just say, his recent behavior has caused a lot of pain to P and I was mad as hell. When P lost her mom last week, he did something that surprised all of us. His thoughtfulness has filled my heart; apart from my daughter, I don’t think I can think of a single thing that has brought me so much joy in recent months.
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6 What U Said:
I can only tell you something my mother used to tell me. When you hit a wall, no amount of pushing will move it. Let's say, you cant go around it. Accept it that you're stuck. Acceptance is the only key and that alone will bring any relief.
mh
mh:
I value your mother's words, but just 1 thing occurs - have you been able to 'accept' life? If not always, mostly?
* hugs *
V:
This thing still works. :) Thanks :)
I cannot make heads or tails of the scheme of the world, not a bit! The bad one shines, the good one suffers. Almost always. Even Narendranath Datta (before he became Swami Vivekananda) said this once (during his days of struggle): "The scheme of the world is devillish. Given to me, I could have made it much better..."
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