Aug 24, 2010

Failure ...

... rankles, undermines confidence, deprives sleep, forces you to confront old demons. Once you have failed miserably, is there any sense in re-attempting the same? Even if you do well the next time, will the pain of the first attempt vanish? No. That is your's forever.

The problem with eternal restlessness is that you are forever seeking, easily moving from one fulfillment to another, never quite sure what you want. Restlessness is a curse, and self-doubt and loathing are close cousins. For the quester wants are like clay dough that children play with - changing shape and easily malleable. Anything goes. And if you are forever seeking and striving, you are bound to fail sometimes; the odds can't support you forever.

You are a moth and all you ever wanted was to be a butterfly. When you do finally metamorphose into one, you tear those beautiful wings.You spend all your life seeking something and when you finally find it, you realise that's not what it was about. Or you do something stupid and lose it. What then? You decide to key in a new search. Thus begins Eternal Sunshine of the Restless Mind.

I read Updike's seminal 'Run, Rabbit Run' again recently. Morbid is too mild a term for such works. Yet, I understood his impulse to run. Point is: do you run towards or away from?

I used to listen to this song a lot while growing up; post a late night conversation with L, she said something and it came back:

Run To You

I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you
I wanna run to you 
Won't you hold me in your arms 
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you 
But if I come to you 
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me 
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?

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