I'm embarrassed to say that my eyes actually filled with tears, Your Honour, though as is so often the case, the tears sprang from older, more obscure regrets i had delayed thinking about, which the gift, or loan, of of a stranger's furniture had somehow unsettled.
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Our kiss was anticlimactic. It wasn't that the kiss was bad, but it was just a note of punctuation in our long conversation, a parenthetical remark made in order to assure each other of a deeply felt agreement, a mutual offer of companionship, which is much more rare than sexual passion or even love.
**************************************************************
There is a fallacy that the powerful emotion of youth mellows with time. Not true. One learns to control and suppress it. But it doesn't lessen. It simply hides and concentrates itself in more discreet places. When one accidentally stumbles into one of these abysses, the pain is spectacular. I find these little abysses everywhere now.
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I knew that to find and to feel Yoav again would be terribly painful, because of what had become of him, and because of what I knew he could ignite in me, a vitality that was excruciating because like a flare it lit up the emptiness inside me and exposed what i already secretly knew about myself : how much time I'd spent being only partly alive, and how easily I'd accepted a lesser life................................................................................................................................................................................................................He awakened a hunger in me - not just for him, but also for the magnitude of life, for the extremes of all it has given to us to feel. A hunger and also courage.
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In life we sit at the table and refuse to eat, and in death we are eternally hungry.
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There are time when the kindness of strangers only makes matters worse because one realises how badly one is in need of kindness and that the only source is a stranger.
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And the answer that comes to me, which is only part of the answer, is that i wanted to punish her for her intolerable stoicism, which made it impossible for me to ever be truly needed by her in the most profound ways a person can need another, a need that often goes by the name of love.
*************************************************************
Our kiss was anticlimactic. It wasn't that the kiss was bad, but it was just a note of punctuation in our long conversation, a parenthetical remark made in order to assure each other of a deeply felt agreement, a mutual offer of companionship, which is much more rare than sexual passion or even love.
**************************************************************
There is a fallacy that the powerful emotion of youth mellows with time. Not true. One learns to control and suppress it. But it doesn't lessen. It simply hides and concentrates itself in more discreet places. When one accidentally stumbles into one of these abysses, the pain is spectacular. I find these little abysses everywhere now.
*******************************************************************
I knew that to find and to feel Yoav again would be terribly painful, because of what had become of him, and because of what I knew he could ignite in me, a vitality that was excruciating because like a flare it lit up the emptiness inside me and exposed what i already secretly knew about myself : how much time I'd spent being only partly alive, and how easily I'd accepted a lesser life................................................................................................................................................................................................................He awakened a hunger in me - not just for him, but also for the magnitude of life, for the extremes of all it has given to us to feel. A hunger and also courage.
**********************************************************************
In life we sit at the table and refuse to eat, and in death we are eternally hungry.
**********************************************************************
There are time when the kindness of strangers only makes matters worse because one realises how badly one is in need of kindness and that the only source is a stranger.
**************************************************************************
And the answer that comes to me, which is only part of the answer, is that i wanted to punish her for her intolerable stoicism, which made it impossible for me to ever be truly needed by her in the most profound ways a person can need another, a need that often goes by the name of love.
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